Good Afternoon, Mr. Strawman

                So there I was, derping on Facebook, when a happy little gem popped up from one of my more conservative (read here “uninformed, old, white and well-off”) “friends.” It read: “And to think it was just an ordinary citizen that was allowed to roam his own property that found this Islamic terrorist.”

                Whew. That’s a mouthful, spastic approach to grammar aside. The author finds the wherewithal to go on, however: “So we need an entire SWAT team and the National Guard armed with semi and fully automatic rifles, similar to my semi automatic AR-15s, to locate a 19 year old idiot, yet the government tells me I don’t need one for self defense. Where’s the logic in that?!”

                After reading this, I had to step away from the computer for a moment, because I was drinking a beer at the time and almost spit it out. Computers are expensive, you know?

                Moments later, I was back, beer safely in my stomach, and I was dumbstruck that someone would post something so stupid for the entire world to see. Then I remembered that Congress exists.

                Where is the logic, Mr. Strawman? Allow me to draw you a map.

                First, let’s consider the monopoly of force. The government has it. It’s one of the oldest and most well-defined functions of government. The monopoly of force allows the government to use violence, whether deadly or not, to execute its will which, in the case of a democracy, is nominally the will of the people. Perhaps you’ve seen an old Western, in which the local sheriff deputizes a posse so they can do some good old fashioned posse hanging justice. Without the deputizing- without being officially made a part of the government- that hanging would be what we in the North like to call “a lynching” and what certain people in the South like to call “the good old days.”

                Now, since you brought up the armaments of the authorities, I suppose it is possible to send a bunch of police officers out with, say, baseball bats and slingshots in order to apprehend their suspect but that seems, at best, to be inefficient and at worst to be utterly ludicrous.

                The meat of the problem, Mr. Strawman, is of course that you want to be the fellow with the gun doing the killing of the suspect. Let’s dispense with the niceties: you don’t want the suspect apprehended because you know he’s Islamic (better informed people use “Muslim,” for the record) because Fox News told you that and Sean Hannity has never lied. You don’t want him apprehended because he has a name you can’t pronounce, comes from a country you’ve never heard of, and committed an act of terrorism that killed…fewer people than Adam Lanza killed. But don’t forget he’s Islamic!

                You want him dead, of course, because he’s a terrorist. And you don’t want him tried by American laws, because he’s a terrorist, never mind that he’s an American citizen. Terrorists haven’t got any rights, have they, Mr. Strawman?

                You mention self-defense, but you’re a lying liar. In your ideal world, you’d be out prowling the streets with your friends, packing the kind of heat that would render you overdressed for World War III. You’d find the sniveling Islamic guy with the weird name and you’d bust a cap in his ass so hard! Totally! Then you’d go back to the local saloon, raise up your glasses against evil forces, and wait for the President to call and tell you how great a guy you are. Also the president would be a white guy named John or something. You’d be a hero, Mr. Strawman, just like you used to be in the fantasies you had when you were five years old. A real, true hero.

                The trouble, Mr. Strawman, is that the world doesn’t work that way. Your masturbatory fantasies about blowing away Muslims with your civilian grade rifle are a beautiful example of all that’s wrong with this country today. Grow up, open a book, do a little research and realize that you’re not five years old, brown people aren’t out to get you, and you’re woefully on the wrong side of history.

                And, to the friend who posted this bullshit: I’d unfriend you, but you’ve earned a reprieve by giving me this column with a bow on it.

                Until next time, remember: we’re all in this together and I’m pulling for you. Davis out.